The Adaptation Dilemma

It’s a crisis waiting to happen to anyone who’s got that horrific tag: “Not The Relationship Type”.

That being said, this column may not be for everyone. Some may not relate at all with the “intimacy issues” I’m about to describe. Sometimes, it seems that some people are born with the ability to just be in a relationship.

For some of us, however, it’s a little bit more complicated.

I believe I’ve been an independent person my entire life but with time and certain particular challenges, I’ve learnt to not only handle being by myself but enjoy it.

I was 20 years old when I moved to London. I was all by myself, no acquaintances, friends or family. The first three months were very difficult, I was homesick every day, I missed hanging out with my friends and my every day routines and there were days where I wondered, looking in the mirror, what had I gotten myself into, enrolling on a BA that would keep me separated from everything and everyone I loved and knew for at least two and a half years.

But then, as the weeks passed, something began to happen. Being lonely didn’t have the same meaning as it did when I arrived. Magically, I started to find joy in my little new routines -mundane as they were-. Something inside of me, I didn’t even know existed, adjusted quickly, and helped me discover the things I enjoyed the most, without anyone’s help.

Before I knew it, I had mastered how to do everything on my own, not only the basic stuff, like laundry or handling my bank account and finances but also the recreational stuff. Going to the movies, taking long walks, visiting art galleries…  One could almost say that in the midst of loneliness I began to date myself.

I know it sounds pathetic, but it turned out to be pretty fucking great.

Enjoying my independence is something that I will never apologise for. It’s one of the parts that I most love about myself.

All of my close relationships have come to learn that about me. This doesn’t mean that I don’t appreciate or enjoy the closeness of my friends or family. But with time, everyone sufficiently close to me learns that there is a moment, after which I need to separate from everyone. Do I need to work? Meditate? Pray? Study? No. I need to do absolutely nothing. By myself. 

Ironically, somewhere along the road to independence, I -quite unexpectedly- developed a dependance to be alone.

My old roommate in London once joked that my idea of paradise was probably an infinite road for me to power walk on, listening to my music.

In some ways I can’t think of a more successful description of me.

Personally I’ve developed a rhythm of life that, requires certain rituals that to others will make absolutely no sense, whatsoever.

An example? I love watching T.V series, in my room, on my laptop. (Never a T.V. Even if there’s one available) while eating cheap, sugary cereal with no milk. 

It’s not logical, but it works for me on every level.

I love it so much that I’m more than willing to watch a series several times afterwards to share it with my loved ones, but only after I’ve watched them by myself under my terms.

This is only one of many weird little activities I must do only on my own, not only for enjoyment but sometimes as a refuge for the crazy and chaotic outside world.

However, the need to have time for yourself can take over and actually work against you. Especially when having to let someone new into your life. 

Opening and sharing yourself can start a spontaneous storm of contradictory emotions.

What if you like to do certain things by yourself and when finding yourself in your first close relationship you begin to struggle to integrate this new person in your set routines?

A part of you that resists to change your life as it is, will inevitably appear.

Does this make you a narcissistic freak incapable of giving or receiving love? 

No, it does not.

It only means that to make space for a new person in your life you will need to:… (drum roll) Adapt. 

Let’s face it: Adaptation sucks.

It’s difficult, sometimes painful and it takes a lot of time.

Never the less, its probably the most important aspect of any kind of evolution. Without it, our species would never have learnt how to breath out of the water. 

Babies would never survive out of the womb.

And I, most definitely would’ve never survived those first three months, all alone in London.

Accepting that we need to change the way we live our lives to be complete human beings is a painful reality, especially if you -like me- are sometimes dead set on staying on your beautiful, peaceful and utterly destructive comfort zone.

Shocking, you’d think that at age 24 I would’ve already realised the pretty simple truth that constant change means self improvement and growth, but truth be told I’m only just realising it now. (I’m kind of slow. This on the other hand, is not news to me at all.)

The question remains, however: How much should we adapt before we compromise the very essence that makes us ourselves?

Haven’t we all seen it? 

The friend that used to be the most fun and adventurous one of the group, and becomes the most insipid and boring, three months into his or her her first relationship.

Having to compromise certain things that you love about yourself for your new relationship to be successful is a pretty scary concept, however if you’ve ever found yourself in this dilemma, I would simply recommend three deep breaths, patience and opening yourself to change. Only time will tell what parts of yourself you can change and what others are simply a part of who you are, and who you’ll always be. 

Jeez, someone put me in the self-help section.

I realise how trite and cheesy this all must sound but these little self involved epiphanies have been coming to me these last few weeks, and I figured, if there’s another stubborn, introvert bastard out there who’s also getting all choked up about letting someone in, I might as well buckle up, start writing and hope that someone out there will relate. 

Remember if it doesn’t work out, there’s always getting a bunch of cats and living happily ever after… 

Sorry, that wasn’t funny.

To lighten the mood in the midst of all this unnecessary anxiety, I leave you with the beautiful Albert Hammond Jr. And his super french new wavevy video. My personal 

best friend to start the week. 

Must go now, if you need me, I’ll be in my room, with a box of Captain Crunch by my side. I will be out in no less than an hour.